I've been eagerly awaiting the May 21st issue of Time magazine ever since I caught a glimpse of its über provocative, somewhat creepy cover. If you’ve seen it, then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about: on it is a 26 year old woman breastfeeding her nearly four year old son.
The caption reads: ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH? Why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extreme- and how Dr. Bill Sears became their guru.
Oi vey. For starters, if this is a cover story about Dr. William Sears, then why are we looking at a attractive young woman in a tank top and skinny jeans nursing her standing toddler? That question is strictly rhetorical, of course; obviously Time is going for sensationalism here, and from what I’ve been reading online, they’re definitely getting the reactions they were seeking. (I do feel genuinely bad for the poor kid when he reaches puberty, though; kids can be brutal and this photo has blackmail written all over it.)
Okay, Time, I get it; you're trying to shock us. And I admit it, I rubbernecked when I saw your cover. But what is the big freaking deal about breastfeeding, and boobs in general, anyway? Our culture is definitely a little breast obsessed, but isn't breastfeeding what the mam glands were intended for in the first place? And why does Dr. Sears and his attachment parenting style make some people so edgy?
Okay, so I’m letting the cat out of the bag: My name is Sarah, and I practice Attachment Parenting. Dun-dun-DUN!!!!
As I type this, my son is standing on his blue plastic Little Tike's chair, nursing. We're also in our front yard. Not really. (Yes, really.) No, just kidding.
Seriously, though, why do they have to make us all out to be a bunch of fanatical nuts? I was hoping Kate Pickert’s article wouldn’t be as biased as I suspected, but with a cover like that, I didn’t hold out too much hope. And I wasn’t surprised when her piece painted Sears and his wife, Martha, in a rather unflattering light.
So what is Attachment Parenting anyways? Basically, you are an attached parent if you practice most of the Seven B’s:
Birth Bonding
Breastfeeding
Baby Wearing
Bedding close to baby
Belief in the value of your baby's cries
Beware of Baby trainers
Balance
If you go to Sears' website you'll discover that a lot of us do these things anyway. The truth is, I was practicing Attachment Parenting (to the horror of most women I encounter who gave birth to their children in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s) before I even knew what it was! My sister gave me her copy of The Breastfeeding Book shortly after my son was born. Being a first time mother I was all at once exhausted, deliriously happy, hormonal, and hopelessly in love with my baby. I had no idea what was going to happen regarding childcare after my maternity leave ran out, and that was a real source of distress. In a nutshell, this was a tremendously joyful time in my life, but it wasn’t without its little challenges.
What I mainly found in Dr. Sears’ words were support and encouragement. Much to my amazement, he validated just about everything my intuition was already guiding me to do. He was a cheerleader of sorts, urging me to follow my gut instincts and to unapologetically focus my attention on my baby. This period in my life would be fleeting and breathtakingly short lived; and Sears was giving me permission to fully embrace it.
This might sound really obvious, but I don’t think that it is. I think a lot of new mothers are on the receiving end of a lot of unsolicited, opinionated (albeit well meaning) advice. Advice from family, friends, books, the media, coworkers, neighbors, old women at Stop and Shop; it doesn’t matter who; when you’re that tired and hormonal, innocent, harmless seeming little comments can really seep under your skin. I often have a genial, quiet temperament, but I have a natural aversion to advice. I think a lot of it stinks and I resent having to smell it. (I have a very sensitive nose).
Even the people who care about us the most can get a little opinionated. One afternoon I mentioned to my mom something I’d read in a Dr. Sears book, namely, “no woman ever looks back and wishes that she held her newborn baby less.” I thought it was a nice concept, and very true. Now, my mother loves me and my child more than words can say, and even so, what was her immediate response? “Well, holding him too much will make him spoiled…”
Did I mention that William was less than one month old at the time? And that we both knew I'd be leaving to go to work full time when he was three months old? In her defense, she is from another generation, and although she's worked hard her entire life, she didn't have to work outside the home when her babies were infants. I don't think any of the women in my family did. Of course, it was a different time back then, with a very dissimilar economy, and one income households were more the norm. Maybe that's why a lot of them can't grasp the concept of my not really needing a "break" from William; if anything, I'd like more time with him! I'm not sure they understand.
I want to stress: I have a super loving family, and a completely hands on, supportive husband. And even so, I've adopted many tips from Dr. Sears which have helped me immensely. During my maternity leave, I snuggled my baby every chance I got. If he fell asleep in my arms, I didn’t concern myself with trying to get him into his bassinet so I could cook dinner or empty the dishwasher or do a quick load of laundry, as many people suggested I should. I brushed off all household duties, in fact, and decided that my only job for that short period of time was to nurse and get to know my baby. Do I regret that, as I schlep my kiester to and from work every day, 15 months later? Absolutely not.
Honestly, I don’t find Sears’ theories too radical. (Okay, perhaps attempting to breastfeed a baby in a moving car is a little wacky tobaccy, and you won’t find me doing that anytime soon.) But I do not in any way consider him a misogynist, and I am saying this as a lifelong feminist.
Can I just repeat that? I am a lifelong feminist! And do I think Sears is a chauvinist pig because he urges me to embrace and celebrate my maternal instincts? No, I do not. If anything, he has empowered me! He reveres the power and natural strength of the female when it comes to parenting. I’ve even found his advice has helped me balance my life as a working mother. (And incidentally, do I think the brick wall that I’ve smacked up against while trying to merge my life in Corporate America with my newfound motherhood stinks of misogyny? Yes, yes I do. But that's a post for another day.)
And I digress. I am an Attached Parent, but I certainly don’t think I’m a fanatic or doing anything too out there. I didn't really use a baby carrier until recently, mainly because the Infantino one I picked out was too difficult for me to use without someone else's help. (I now have the Beco Gemini carrier and it's great, and a nice option when the stroller/wagon/little push car isn't an option.) I did breastfeed exclusively, and pumped until W was over a year old, but not because Dr. Sears told me to; because I wanted to. I listen to my baby when he cries, and I don’t worry that he’s trying to manipulate me. I trust my instincts and feel wary of any potentially shiteous advice I may receive. People don’t seem to like that. (Tough tacos!) I co-sleep with my child, although this is something I never in a million years thought I'd do; but in the end it works for us, and when it boils right down to it, I love it. That makes some people uncomfortable. (Oh well!) We chose not to follow the Dr. Ferber method of letting William cry it out, though this method has been effective for most of my family and friends. I don't judge them, but a lot of them think I'm a wacko for not doing it. My son is fifteen months old and drinks cow’s milk now, but I still nurse him, mostly at night and when I'm home on the weekends. People might think that’s weird. Do I give a rat’s A? Nope. And does that mean I’m going to be nursing him when he’s three years old? Uh, no, it does not.
It begs the question, do most Attached Parents look like Hubby and me, or is Jamie Lynne Grumet, the young woman on the cover of Time, who was breastfed by her own mother until she was six years old, the majority? Why didn’t Time interview any more moderate Attached Parents, like myself and Hubby? The tenets of Attachment Parenting have in no way put undue pressure upon me, hurt my self-esteem or made me feel less than, as the article suggests. My childhood experience was loving and pretty wonderful; not traumatic, as Ms. Pickert also suggests. I have taken the empowering, pro-female intuition theories of Dr. Sears and I have run with them. But I'm not driving myself crazy with it.
Everyone's parenting style is their own personal business. Early on, W's pediatrician offered some sage advice: do what works for you and your family, and when it stops working, recalibrate and find a different way. Keep doing what feels right, and more importantly, what works. That advice has stuck with me.
I think in the end, all of us- working moms, stay at home moms, attached moms- feel like crap sometimes. Articles like the one in Time feed off of this, and our natural vulnerabilities. They know as females we’re already prone to being divided amongst one another, by comparing our choices with those our peers may or may not be making. But at the end of the day, we’re all alike in the fact that we love our children mightily and most of us are just doing the best that we possibly can.
In closing, my name is Sarah, and although I do hate to be typecast, I suppose Hubby and I would fall under the category of Attached Parents. This was our decision, and for me it was a natural one. I most likely would have made the same choices had I never heard of Dr. Sears. Judge me if you like, I'm getting pretty good at not minding. xoxo