I shit you not

Have you ever witnessed behavior so unusual it seems there must be a hidden camera crew lurking in the shadows somewhere?  This happens a lot in NY.  One week ago today, I witnessed a conversation most intriguing, and very disturbing to boot.  I wrote this while the episode was still fresh in my mind.  I tried my very best to recreate the horror...

I was on the N train standing next to two twenty-something guys who reeked of booze.  And why not, I suppose, on a Thursday at 6pm?  Good for them.

The one wearing the baseball cap, I later discovered, was named **Tom.  I never found out what his friend's name was.  From what I quickly gathered, Tom had recently been dumped by his girlfriend, **Kelly.  Turns out Kelly had been communicating with her high-school ex, a military man named Scott who'd been to Iraq.  I cringed when Tom said, "I wish he'd gotten killed over there, actually."  The friend gave a nervous giggle and said, "You didn't just say that."  "No, really," Tom reiterated. 

(What the eff?  Was this psycho for real?)

At this point I was dying to see what this clown looked like, but I didn't want to appear too obvious.  Plus I didn't want to draw any undue attention to myself, since his companion kept pressing his arm against mine, an action I wasn't sure was necessary since there was plenty of room.  Dirty.  Oh wait, they were talking again...

Tom was saying Kelly had the worst poker face ever, so he knew she was lying when she said she hadn't cheated on him.  "It gets worse, man."  (At this, my ears perked up.  You see, I'd forgotten my book at work and was afraid I'd have nothing to entertain me on my way home.  Ha!)

"Well, I only did it because I know she'd do the same fucking thing to me, but...it's bad, dude..." (Spit it out, Tom!)  "I have her email password, and her myspace password, so I was, like, checking her email and stuff.  And I found out she'd been seeing this guy all summer."

(Ouch.  See?  Snooping never pays, Tom.)

The friend was consoling: "With that guy?  Her high school ex?  What's his name again, Seth?" 

Tom: "Scott."

The Friend: "Scott.  What a douchebag, man."  (I gave an inner giggle, since I hold a special place in my heart for this particular word.)

Tom: "Ya, I ended up reading all her emails.  Well, a lot of them.  One even said something like, thanks for last night."

(By this time I'd gotten a seat, so I finally got to take a better look.  Crap.  Tom was wearing a Red Sox shirt.  A great representation for Boston fans.  In my quick estimation, I decided that Tom could be considered a less good-looking version of Jon Lovitz.  Decipher from that what you will.  I was disappointed I'd never get to see what Kelly and her soldier looked like.  Oh, hang on, the slurring was resuming again...)

Tom: "So, yeah, I read some of the emails she'd sent to friends, and like, her Mom, just to see what she'd been telling people, you know?  And she'd written one to her Dad telling him Tom broke up with me, and..."

Friend: "Wait, she told them you dumped her?"

Tom: "Aw, no, I mean, she just told them we broke up and stuff.  So anyway, I got home and checked my email, well, actually I checked Kelly's email..."

(OK, Reader, I started to giggle there.  That was funny.)

Tom went on to describe how Kelly sometimes used to send him pictures of herself via email.  Nothing too bad, of course, but suggestive.  (Granted, more than I wanted to know, but what choice did I have?  I was a captive audience here.) 

Tom: "So I went home and checked Kelly's email and I saw she'd sent one to Scott, with the subject line Well, you asked for it.  It was a picture, like the ones she used to send me, you know."

Tom explained that it was like all the air went out of the room, like he was getting punched in the stomach.  Which is exactly how it should feel if you're checking your ex-girlfriend's email, Dingus!  Ah, poor guy.

The friend interjected with the appropriate "un-huhs" and "wows" and nodded when Tom said he was "fine, happy, I'm fine with it all, man." 

(I couldn't believe nobody else was reacting to this debacle, Dear Reader!  Nary a straphanger was batting an eyelash!  I attempted to make eye contact with someone, anyone, just to do a little eyebrow raise, or a "get a load of these guys" face, or something.  But I got nothing.  Except I think maybe the guy across from me thought I was making eyes at him.  Woopsie.)

Tom's friend mentioned something about getting off at the next stop.  Too bad, because now it was really getting good...

The night of the suggestive picture incident Tom called Kelly after midnight and kept calling and calling until she finally picked up.  (I'm sure she really appreciated this.)  What did he say to her?  (Oh please please say it before you idiots exit the train!  I've been listening to you this long!)

Tom: "Change your email password.  Change your myspace password."

And with that, they got off the train. 

In closing, I think we can all learn some lessons from Tom and his lowly antics:

~Please don't log into other people's email.  Nothing good can come of it, and you will instantly be guaranteed tummy aches and paranoia.  (I've only done this once, Reader, but Catholic Guilt prompted me to confess my bad behavior to the violated party within five minutes.  It was one of those very "low" moments, when I loved myself, but didn't like myself.)

~Please don't drunk dial ex-girlfriends after midnight, especially when they've left you for another man.  It's bad manners.  They won't like it.      

~Please don't wish ill will on our soldiers.  That is just sick. 

~Please, do not wear Red Sox paraphernalia in NYC if you plan on saying crazy things in public! 

I think that will do.  Good luck to you, Tom.  Maybe purchase a self-help book or something?

**Not their real names.  I switched them to Tom and Kelly to be more discreet.  Not that they'll be reading this. 

Comments

[Jodi]

I really enjoy reading your thoughts....and in the interests of keeping this "not their real names" you might want to go back and change "Paul" to "Tom" in the middle of topic :).

[The Odd Broad]

Eeek! Thanks for the catch, Jodi! I'm giggling right now. As you can see, originally I was just using their real names. I got a little sloppy there with my editing!

PS- Thanks for reading! :)

[Jess]

AW MAN!! I really wanted to hear the rest of the story! Too bad they got off the train... I was totally involved in the story!! heehee! ;)

[The Odd Broad]

Hi there Jess! Ya, this juicy tale kept me really entertained on my way home that evening! But the weirdest part was that no other passengers were reacting. Or maybe they were, but were pretending not to? Only in ny! :)

[Weinerdog]

I check a certain someone's e-mail all the time! At first, before I had official status it did bring me haertache, but then it just became a great tool to "get rid" of people I didn't like.

Everything has it's upside!

[Weinerdog]

I mispelled heartache.......too much wine?

[The Odd Broad]

There's never too much wine! xoxo