Warning: The following anecdote could very well be considered "too much information."
I was a woman living on the edge, a gambler, a taker of risks. I knew I needed to buy a box of tampons and yet some slothful part of me kept putting it off. But not to worry, I was sure there had to be a few lurking around somewhere. Actually, didn't I have an extra one in my purse from the vending machine at work? It turned out I did. And good thing, too- because it was Monday evening and I'd just gotten a visit from Aunt Flo.
A word about tampons purchased for a quarter- they're not always of the highest quality. In my experience, they can be prone to falling apart. And wouldn't you know, this is precisely what happened when I unwrapped it. Times were desperate, however, and I did my best to put that old plug back together. I went to sleep, never guessing the adventure that would await me in the morning...
7:57 am: It's stuck. What the? Nary a string in sight. And I'm already running late for work. Shit!
8:36am: I call Sissy on my way to the T, hoping she'll ease my anxiety. She is not laughing, and as it turns out is quite unable to hide her concern. Oh dear. Perhaps a vigorous jaunt to the train will help bring on a miracle? (Or bring out a tampon?)
9:25 am: In the bathroom stall at work. In the spirit of true improvisation, I fervently attempt to remedy the situation. No dice.
Now, I've been in the employ of my company for less than two months, and yet on that Monday morning I find myself sidling into my new boss's office to utter a sentence I surely never thought I'd have to utter:
"My tampon is stuck."
There is really no dignified way to say it. And with that, I am in a taxi on my way to Mass General Hospital. Once inside, I am curiously surrounded by several people wearing facial masks. (It is all very "SARS")
10:38 am: The nurse who registers my information gives me a doubtful look. "Are you sure it's still in there?" (Of course it's in there! Wouldn't I know if it wasn't in there? I may be idiotic enough to get a tampon stuck inside of me, but so help me God I'm intelligent enough to know if it's still in there or not! For reals!!)
Alas, this is not the time for hysterics. I remain calm. "Oh ya, it's in there."
By this time Sissy and Lukey the Wonder Nephew have rushed to my aid. We decide to have a nice little visit and make the most of the situation.
12:30 pm: It occurs to me that I may be forced to see a male doctor. Oh please, God, please don't let my doctor be the somber looking man who just walked by. If you can work with me on this one, I will surely be grateful.
A kind faced doctor opens the door and calls my name. She is a lady. Thank you, Baby Jesus!
It takes only three tries. She apologizes profusely throughout. At one point she exclaims, "I see the string!" A voice inside of me wants to scream: "For Christs's sake, PULL!!!!"
12:45 pm: It is out.
12:47 pm: I ask for a pad.
In closing, I ask you which is more ridiculous: the fact that I'm telling this grisly tale on the world wide web, or the fact that this has already happened to me once before? xoxo
That is a visit with Auntie that we will keep out of Luke's baby book. "Now Luke, you won't remember, but once Auntie Sissy got a tampon stuck inside of her and had to go to the emergency room. We went and met her for lunch." It just doesn't seem right.
Posted by: Sissy | October 17, 2008 at 08:31 AM
Classic.
Posted by: Weinerdog | October 17, 2008 at 10:17 AM
did you add the tampon to the bloody shirt box?
They would make a nice pair.
Posted by: Amy | October 17, 2008 at 11:30 AM