I suppose it's inevitable that sometimes in life people are just going to make me mad. Boiling mad. So mad I could scream, or cry, or cut the offender's face out of group photos. (Don't get nervous for me, Dear Reader, this really doesn't occur all that often. And furthermore, sometimes it can be very fun to do creative things with those tiny faces after they've been removed.)
But I digress. What I'm getting at here is there are people I've been close to my entire life who lately feel like
strangers. I've been telling myself I don't care, that I shouldn't care, but deep down I know that I do.
What irritates me the most is the constant biting of my tongue, the polite restraint, the
respectful manner in which I'm expected to treat these people, even as
they act irrational; even as they say mean things behind my back, or my loved one's backs, and
sometimes even to our faces.
Seeing as The Odd Broad usually makes it a point to try and treat people with respect, I'm usually quite surprised when someone shows me an unkindness. Which leads me to yesterday. Since my grandmother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer back in December, the people in my extended family have been dealing with the news in various ways. Truth be told, I don't care for the way some of them are dealing. Yesterday when I tried to clear the air by lightheartedly (but directly) acknowledging the fact that my mother, sister and I were being treated by some people as if we weren't even in the room, I was pretty much kicked in the balls, figuratively speaking.
On the surface, I smiled and brushed it off. Inside, of course, I was enraged. But if people choose to behave in a delusional manner, why am I going to suffer over it? Why am I going to cry over it? Why am I going to feel wronged if they judge me, when I judge them right back?
Incidentally, yesterday my horoscope said the following:
Sagittarius: Personal growth is happening under the surface today and you can feel yourself stretching out in exciting new ways.
I don't really know about exciting, but I like the idea of looking at what happened on Saturday as an invitation for personal growth. And so, even though my ego has been bruised, and my feelings hurt, I'm willing to entertain the possibility of forgiveness for these dingleberries, even if only for my own self interest. You see, it pains me to be angry at these someone(s), and that's not doing me any good. (And it's driving my husband insane!)
I'm not going to get all spiritual on you, but I'd like to let you in on something personal. Marianne Williamson once recommended we say the following to people who have hurt us: "I forgive you (person's name), and I release you to the Holy Spirit." Now, this little phrase has been working for me for years. Even if I don't necessarily feel like forgiving the person in question, I find there's something quite powerful about uttering that sentence. It melts my heart, opens me up, allows me to remember the other asshole's person's humanity. The outer circumstances may or may not ever change, but internally, a real shift occurs. Even if I repeat, I forgive you, douchebag, and I release you to the Holy Spirit; just the simple fact that I'm saying it helps.
Is there anyone who has pissed you off, Dear Reader? Is there someone you need to forgive? In the middle of all this bullshit, I'm trying to keep my class and be more like my amazing mother, but it's not always easy. Spilling my guts on the world wide web seems to help, though. Thanks for listening. xoxo
PS: I suppose when it comes right down to it, I'd been looking for people
to fantasize about while playing boxing on Wii Fit. Looks like my prayers have been answered. Sweet Hallelujah!